Author: cheyenneandfam

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The Examination

Among the many things we had going this week, we were most dreading our “Adoption Physicals.” After spending 2 years seeing a doctor at least 4x/month for fertility treatments, I have felt entitled to a lapse in my physician-monitored life. Therefore, I really haven’t had an actual physical in… 5 years? And the PA I liked is gone, so I had to schedule with whatever doctor was available soonest.

Dr. W walked into the exam room and introduced himself. I did likewise, all-the-while examining his white hair and tall, thin frame, deciding if he seemed trustworthy to me.

He sat down and turned the laptop towards him, eyeing the readings the Medical Assistant had entered for my weight, blood pressure, and pulse.

“Did you eat breakfast this morning?” he asked.

“Yes.” I proudly replied. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day. Score 1 for me! This was going to be easy.

“What did you eat?”

I was a little caught off-guard by this. “Cereal” I stated.

“What kind of cereal?” he prodded.

“Uhh, Honey Bunches of Oats.” I answered, more meekly this time.

“Ahhh, sugar cereal.”

My defenses went up. Who was this guy to think he could come in here and accuse me of eating sugar cereal?! We don’t even know each other! And I’ll have him know I do NOT buy the “sugar cereals” with the cartoons on the front. I read the labels, ok?!

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But all I said was, “I guess… I think it only has 6 grams of sugar.”

“Still sugar.” he told me.

Alright I thought, if it weren’t for you having my future child’s destiny in your hands right now, this visit would be over!!!

But I kept my feelings inside and hoped I could satisfy him enough to give me a pass for this “adoption physical” hooey.

He moved on to the next items. “Blood pressure looks fine, weight looks…” (he hesitated) “stable. Alright, let’s have you take your socks off.”

Seriously? 

I have never had to take my socks off for a physical before! It is March in Michigan and I’m not going anywhere for Spring Break, so you can guess how excited I was to take my socks off for him. We might as well have just done a PAP. And P.S., Dr. W., I heard your hesitation before declaring my weight “stable.”

I peeled my socks off, inwardly grumbling and pronouncing my imminent purchase of Trix, just to spite him.

And then – and THEN!

He took my feet and looked between each toe!!! I realized all semblance of dignity had been removed with my socks. I was utterly horrified. Not even my husband has such privilege with my toes.

Ok, this is starting to sound really weird.

Well contrary to how I just made it sound, I sincerely do not believe him to have a foot fetish. In fact, as the examination continued, my respect for him grew. He listened to each artery – “for blockages” he told me. He assessed my posture and the movements of all my joints. He asked that I do a cholesterol and thyroid test. None of which are on the “Adoption Physical” paperwork.

I realized that this physician really cared about his patients’ health. And that it didn’t matter if I felt entitled to my “sugar cereal” because it wasn’t as bad as smoking. He was going to be honest with me about how healthy my choices were, period. Even though we had never met before that, and may never meet again.

In an age where everything is about efficiency, I actually found it refreshing to be with a doctor who – after decades of practice – treated me like my health was his utmost concern. True, the only warm fuzzies in our exchange was whatever may have been hiding between my toes (but, dear Lord, hopefully not there either). But at the end of the appointment I decided I liked him.

Plus, he’s already seen between my sad March-in-Michigan toes. I think we are now eternally bonded as patient and physician.

 

 

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Home study Visit #2 / Such.a.Gift.

We are well on our way to completing our home study! Typically, there are 4 visits spread out over the course of 6-8 weeks. We were told this visit would be a long one where she would talk to both of us separately for at least an hour. I was a little concerned about this. Not that we have anything juicy to hide, but I just expected it would be hard questions to answer about your spouse.

Turns out, the only questions she asked us about each other were, “How would you describe your spouse?” and “Can you describe your family’s relationship with your spouse?” and “What kind of parent is your spouse?” The rest of the questions were about our childhood. At no time did I feel uncomfortable or judged.

Again, this process has been so much easier than I had expected. And the more we talk about it, the more I fall in love with this little person that may or may not even be conceived yet. And the more I feel compassion for the birth mom who is choosing a better life for her child – chances are her life isn’t butterflies and roses, and she is not making the choice selfishly.

We decided to wrap things up in one 3-hour visit on April 4. After that, she has to write a 10 page report about us and get it edited and approved by her supervisor and the court. We are looking at being approved and available as a “Waiting Family” somewhere between May 18 and June 1. And then starts the fund-raising…

lemonadeHave I ever mentioned how much I love fund-raising? No?

Huh…. Yeah… no I think you’re right – I haven’t.

But I do love planning things, so I guess I just need to get over the label of “Fund-raising” and get to it.

Our plan is to do several things:

1. Start applying for grants.

This is pretty much like applying to college: Filling out paperwork, answering really personal questions, writing essays, etc...

2. Have a garage sale June 4-6 at my father-in-law’s house. 

Have you ever seen Storage Wars? Our dear friend and spiritual mentor for many years has offered to help us by bidding on storage unit auctions. I can’t tell you how overwhelmed with emotion I was when he shared this with me. 

3. Plan a food-event. 

Everyone loves to eat and we love to cook, so I thought it would be fun to feed people. I make a mean lasagna and have won a chili cook off.

Your Feedback please:  Any ideas for what time of year to do an event like this would be helpful. Seems like during the summer everyone is gone a lot. Weekday? Weekend? Summer? Fall?

4. Hold a Raffle.

Friends of ours adopted and this was their most successful fund-raising approach. They bought I-pads and several other expensive electronics that people could win. Then they sold tickets over the course of 2-3 months and drew winners for each of the prizes. People loved that each $5 bought them a ticket for a chance to win a prize. 

Your Feedback please:  Does $5/ticket seem like a good idea? What kinds of electronics are people into these days? What other prizes would you be interested in winning? Should we do the raffle drawing at our food event?

5. Publicize this Blog.

I’ve seen blogs where you can donate to the blogger’s cause, but have no idea how to get this set up! And honestly, I am very concerned that people’s financial information be kept safe. Also, I need to actually find time to network with other bloggers so that people besides my Facebook friends can follow along and have the opportunity to read my blog. It would be nice to maybe open the raffle up to readers. Maybe??? I don’t know…

Your Feedback please: Umm… just Help!!!

6. Work.

We certainly can’t ask people to help fund our adoption without working our hardest to save money as well.  We are both so thankful that we love our jobs so much. Tyler is tutoring on the side, and I have been working quite a bit of overtime. So far we’ve been able to pay out of pocket for the application and home study, but the other 75% of the cost is due when we finalize our adoption. 

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THIS is what’s most overwhelming to me. The fund-raising part is why we decided to start the process earlier than we had originally planned. This way we have the summer to work on this, since Tyler has almost 3 months off.

I can’t sufficiently describe how it feels to need to depend on others to help you expand your family. Every gift is such.a.gift. Think about what money normally buys: food, clothing, gas, housing, repairs, medicine, vacation. Some of those things are such a drag to pay for and others – though fun and exciting – are still fleeting. The gift of a child is forever. And every little bit – even $5 – is still a part of that gift.

God will provide for us no matter what. We paid for IVF almost all by ourselves, and it was such a relief when we made our final payment on our 15-month 0% interest credit card! Adoption costs 3x what IVF cost us. But if we won the lottery it would be much less humbling than relying on the gifts of people who want to support this baby we are adopting. Not that we want to be humbled.

Wait, that doesn’t sound good.

But you know what I mean. ❤

VERY IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:  You should in no way feel obligated to donate money to us just because you know us and are reading our blog. The primary purpose of this blog is to keep people updated and to create more awareness about what adoption is really like. While I think it’s important to be charitable, we all have different causes that are important to us – so give where you are led to give!

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The Father’s Love

Six months or so ago, Tyler and I were driving and he was sharing about his coworkers and their experience adopting an 8 year old girl who has suffered many traumas in her short life. Understandably, she has many emotional and behavioral struggles that stem from broken promises, extorted trust, and constant changes of her environment and her caregivers. He talked about her story and some of the struggles they are having even now to break through her walls and show her that their love is unconditional and unchanging. That she is valued and cared for and all the tumultuous shifting and abuse she experienced before is now behind her. She is safe. She can heal.

But it’s not simple. For families adopting older children or fostering children with a “complicated” (to put it slightly) past, they are faced with a huge risk: To love without restraint, knowing full-well their hearts may be broken in the process — whether from a child who is distant and rebellious or from the state reunifying their foster child with neglectful or abusive parents.

Yet as Tyler told me this story, I could hear the emotion in his voice. Not emotion like my voice shows emotion. Good grief, I get choked up watching Top Chef. It was deep compassion and… conviction? I let his words sink in for a minute.

“Tyler, are you… are you feeling like someday you might want to foster? Or adopt from foster care?”

He sighed a heavy sigh. He’s the kind of person that wants his words to be sincere – not spoken out of fleeting emotion. I could tell this wasn’t the first time he had thought about it.

“Maybe? I don’t know… not right now, Elise is too young. But maybe someday, a ways on down the road.”

Tears (see what I mean?) welled up in my eyes. That God would lay this on his heart, even before mine was stunning to me. I am the emotional one. I am the one to announce my wild aspirations to him. I am the one that wants more than the standard 2.5 children. It was an emotion and a conviction that could only come from the Father.

Fast forward to 4 weeks ago. I was subbing in the church nursery and ended up working with a woman who is a foster care-giver. Her story is heartbreaking… and hope-filling at the same time. To love a child as they deserve to be loved — knowing full-well that you cannot dictate their future– that is a vulnerable thing to do. But she told me this week that this vulnerability is a glimpse of the Father’s love. God loves us… knowing His heart will be broken.

That struck me. All my insecurities and anxieties about our adoption… they are nothing when compared to the anguish God has experienced.

Our vulnerability right now is small compared to what it could be if we foster someday. But even with domestic adoption, there is still always a chance for a birthmom to have a “change of heart.” I am learning that when God calls us to walk through heartache, He offers us a deeper relationship with Him. Not because our wounds have earned it for us. Because He wants to use our pain to understand the pain He feels and the love that outweighs every heartache and makes every vulnerability worthwhile.

Talking about God’s love is one thing. We are quickly desensitized to repetitive anecdotes and Christian cliches.

Experiencing God’s love is quite another. To walk with someone that understands your grief is invaluable. And no matter the grief… God has felt it too. He is more than a support system. He is the Source of All Comfort and the Father of love.

We don’t know what is in store for our future. Maybe our family will grow as a seamless unit with no pain or loss or trauma. But regardless of God’s plans, He will open our hearts to love without caution, and will carry us through to heal whatever brokenness we may face.

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That was easy.

Homestudy visit #1 down. Three to go.

And the “Home”-part of the Homestudy went like this:

Do you have a fire extinguisher? 

Can you point out your smoke and CO2 detectors? 

Do you plan on moving anytime soon?

What is your neighborhood like? 

Can you give me a tour? 

(peeks her head into each room)

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14 hours of cleaning for a 3 minute tour. She didn’t even use the bathroom.

The bathroom in which I insisted on scrubbing the blinds mercilessly.

The bathroom in which I ensured every towel was hung with perfectly straight lines.

The bathroom in which I carefully surveyed every square inch for hair.

Long hair.

Short hair.

Baby hair.

Dog hair.

Leg hair.

Do you realize how hard it is to remove every trace of hair from a humid bathroom?

Hard. Very hard.

But our house is so clean and pretty now! So in spite of wanting to drag her through each room and point proudly at every sparkle and shine, I refrained. I held onto the knowledge that even if she wasn’t able to fully appreciate all the work we put into preparing for those 3 minutes, we would appreciate having a spotless house for 2 hours.

So what did we actually do then?

Mostly, we answered questions that will become a preliminary plan for what situations/conditions we would be open to for our adoption. For example:

How open would you be to adopting a child with special needs?

How open would you be to adopting a child for whom you don’t know the father’s medical history?

How open would you be to adopting a child whose mother smoked/drank/did drugs/has mental illness or cognitive impairment/ has a family with a history of mental illness or cognitive impairment?

And some really, really sad questions like:

How open would you be to adopting a child who was conceived by rape? 

How open would you be to adopting a child who was conceived by incest? 

Other questions had to do with our expectations and hopes for our relationship with the birthmom/parents:

Are you willing to provide written updates to the birthmom?

Are you willing to make personal contact with the birthmom, either at a neutral location or at your home?

Are you willing to adopt from a mother who insists you use a certain name for the child?

It was a lot to take in. Thankfully, it seemed that Tyler and I were on the same page for every answer. The hardest thing is that we both strongly feel every child has just as much value as another. It would of course be easier to adopt a child with no complicated family of origin and no pre-existing conditions. By that criteria, I would love to open our house to any child needing a loving family!

But our current lifestyle — though fairly simple — still finds us busy with our jobs, with our families, and with our church. Of course, our children will always come first. And if I were to get pregnant with a child that had a special condition or disability, we would certainly rearrange our lives. But we can’t help feeling that adopting a child with special needs might suit us better a-ways down the road. Maybe even through foster care.

We answered most every question with a score to indicate that we would prayerfully consider those situations, but in more severe conditions, feel it would be unlikely that we would be ready to commit.

Please pray that God would lead us to the child that is meant to be ours. He will, and we know it. But we still may have decisions to make ahead! 

And if adoption is something you are considering for you future, please don’t let this scare you from it. Our caseworker assured us that every child finds a family, and there are families out there who know they specifically want to open their home up to a child with special needs. These were also not binding statements of intention. The agency asks these questions so that if you know you wish to adopt a child with certain circumstances, you would be their first choice. We in no way felt we were being pushed to commit to anything.

Thank you all for your prayers and support! It’s been overwhelming to see how many people are interested in reading our story!

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‘Twas the Night Before the Homestudy

Twas the night before the Homestudy and all through the house,

Not a shoe was misplaced,photography 008

Not even a blouse.

The baby was nestled all snug in her bed,

While visions of sibling-hood danced in her head.

The coats were all hung in the closet with care,

Knowing the caseworker soon would be there.

“Now dishes! Now vacuum! Now dusting and cleaning!

In bathrooms! On furniture, floors, walls, and ceilings!”

With everything done

And all in it’s place,

We collapsed on the couch in a loving embrace.

I sighed and exclaimed as we admired the shine,

“Why only cooking sherry? I wish I had wine!”

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Where We Are

100_4788For us, there was no question that we wanted to adopt after doing In vitro for Elise. Adoption had already captured our hearts, and we were so thankful to have experienced pregnancy and delivery. Do I ever hope for two pink lines again someday? It’s hard not to. To have a surprise pregnancy that didn’t involve a single needle would be… incredible. But we are excited and fully committed to this child with whom we will be matched through adoption. Adopting is not our second-choice, back-up plan. It is an indescribable gift that few experience simply because they don’t know enough about it, or it is more expensive and… ahem… difficult than it is to typically get pregnant!

But we are learning that many of our preconceived fears about adoption have little founding. More to come on that someday later!

For now though, here are answers to the two questions we are getting most often right now:

Why did you choose domestic infant adoption when you had originally wanted to adopt from Ghana?

Unfortunately, adoption from Ghana has been suspended. We seriously considered adopting from South Korea as well. However, upon contacting the agency that was recommended to us, the state of adoption from Korea right now is very slow – 2-3 years for approval, referral (matching), and placement. At the earliest, we could have brought our child home at the age of 18 months. A lot happens in 18 months and we are both working full time, and would be unable to take the necessary time to ensure proper attachment was formed. We didn’t feel this was a fair choice for any child of that age. 

Where are you in the process?

The process of adoption through our agency is this:

– Request for Formal Application (This included basic information and statements of intention and of faith.)

  {Done}

– Formal Application   (Detailed information including contact information for references, experience with children, and interest in children with special needs, older children, or children of a certain ethnicity.)

{Done}

– Meeting our caseworker   (This was… nothing really. We sat in a room and chatted and tried to keep Elise occupied. Thankfully Elise only demonstrated one of her meltdowns – when she realized the clothes that came with the baby doll the caseworker lent her were sewn together. Alas, what a tragedy to an 18 month old!)

{Also Done}

– Random Errands   (Getting references to complete their questionnaires, obtaining proof of employment, getting our well-water tested, getting fingerprinted, making copies of our ID’s, getting a copy of our dog’s vaccination records.)

{Mostly Done}

– Homestudy Visits   (In which our caseworker comes to the house to interview us on our family backgrounds, our relationship, our community, our home, and other personal information. The point of this is not to find fault with a family, but to (1), ensure both partners are equally committed to parenting an adopted child as their own and (2), to glean enough information to write a detailed report about the couple that will give a potential birth-mother a thorough idea of what kind of parents this couple would be for their child. Most birthmoms aren’t looking for perfection; just a safe, responsible, loving couple eager for a child to call their own.)

{Not Done – starting on Thursday!}

– Homestudy Approval    (Basically, just a short month or two of waiting for all the paperwork to be approved)

{Obviously Not Done}

– Waiting    (This is when waiting couples are informed about birthmoms planning on adoption, and given information about the birthmom and the baby.  This would include information about her due date, gender if known, and what amount of involvement she would like to have with the child. Then birthmoms view online profiles and profile books of any couples who were interested in her, and she starts narrowing down who she feels would make the best fit for her child.)

{Average wait time: 1 year}

– Referral   (When both the birthmom/birthparents and the chosen couple agree on an adoption plan for the baby.)

– Placement   (Bringing the baby home!)

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We have really only just started the process, but I plan to give updates as we progress!

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The Decision to Adopt

Adoption has long been a part of both of our lives. Tyler and I both have cousins who were adopted and have always felt that adoption could be a path to parenthood for us. In the midst of our 2 1/2 years of testing, treatments, and even a surgery, the thought of adopting was becoming an exciting, yet intimidating possibility for us. At the height of our struggle in 2012, we completed the initial application for the Ghana program. We envisioned a long, but rewarding road ahead. I could only imagine traveling to Africa to pick up our baby from his or her country of origin. Stepping off the plane and into this beautiful culture and landscape. And of course, holding our baby for the first time and falling instantly in love.

My cursor hovered over the “Submit” button, .

“So this is it, right? ” I asked my husband. This was a huge step for us.

“I think so. I mean, we don’t want to continue with the treatments we’ve been doing, and we don’t plan on doing In vitro.”

That statement hit me hard. My stomach tightened. “So, you don’t think we would ever try to do In vitro?” I just wasn’t ready to give up on the possibility of pregnancy.

“Well, if you think you would ever want to do In vitro, why should we wait until your older?”

He had a good point. The conversation turned into a plan that we would give In vitro one chance. We wanted to be careful to only create as many embryos as we would want children. And if we did not get pregnant with those embryos, we would have the closure we (alright, I) needed on the experience ever of carrying a baby in my womb.

7bwAbout a year later, we gave birth to our daughter, Elise. She has been the joy of our lives. All we knew while we were hoping for a child was just how much we didn’t know we were missing out on.

And now we are ready to graft a new member into our family tree through domestic infant adoption from the US.

It’s amazing that in horticulture, a shoot that starts on one tree can become a vital part of a new tree. It’s beginnings are important – as is the birth parents who will give life to our child. And it’s new identity is important also. It is a gift that gives strength and produces richer fruit.

We are humbled to be in the position where someone will choose us as parents for their child. Our prayer is that we would be worthy of this indescribable, incomparable gift. That this experience would be as benefiting to this child as it is to our family. And that this little “shoot” would grow to branch out and produce the sweetest of fruit.